This is my beautiful little sister, Carollyn.  Actually we are only 13 months apart so for most of our life, it feels as though we are the same age.  She lives with her husband and 2 little girls very far away from me.  When I moved 6 hours away from my hometown to be Ian, I left a lot of people I loved and it was hard but moving so far from Carollyn was extremely hard.  I knew we were going to have some pretty big milestones ahead of us, such as each of our marriages, career changes, new homes and CHILDREN and having her nearby would have been so wonderful.  Amidst our busy lives though, we always take time for eachother.  Thankfully she is only a phone call, email or text away and despite how time keeps on going, we make time to keep in touch.  Also, thankfully we can drive to see eachother and our families. 
Every time we part though, I am so sad.  Our kids are close in age and have so much fun together and our husbands enjoy eachother's company as well - business and sports being their main conversation!  I wish we could just go our for dinner together, or go to the movies, or babysit eachother's children... so many times we could share if distance wasn't in the way.  The bright side is that when we do see eachother it is always fun and lots of bonding happens.  She came here a couple of weeks ago with her girls and it was so much fun (I posted about that with lots of pictures). 
I'm missing her this week.

I'm going to add her to my Gratitude Jounal:

• I am so thankful for my sister, Carollyn. 
• I am also thankful for her husband Matt and my nieces, Clare and Alison.

Continuing With My Gratitude Journal

I re-started my Gratitude Journal again yesterday... here is a continuation of what I am thankful for:

• Grace (again) - She takes things in stride, is easily proud of herself and not too hard on herself.  Today she performed at the Renfrew Music Festival and was judged on her piano-playing ability and she did amazing.  We are so proud of her.
• For evenings when the kids can entertain and play with eachother AND  get-along.  It was a peaceful evening while making dinner tonight and I am so thankful for that.
• Ian's patience and support of me.  No matter what I say or how I act, he is calm during the storm.
• My brother's new-found strength... keep it up!
• My comfy bed and a good book to read.



Alex, Grace and Jean - on one of our many hikes in the bush and fields surrounding our home.



Feeling Sorry

Have you every felt sorry for yourself?  I think we all go through times where we can't seem to find a way out of our thoughts.  My thoughts have taken over... maybe I have too much time to think or maybe I'm looking for something I don't have.  Maybe I am feeling like my life has become some sort of a routine I go through every day while others seem to find more joy, more excitement, and more happiness.  I am happy though.  I know I have the life I always wanted - the husband whom I love with all my heart, happy and healthy kids, a great family home and balance.  In recent years I've been striving for balance between home, kids and career.  I don't have any regrets about my decision to resign from teaching and take on our family and business as my career.  I am so thankful for that choice and that Ian supports me 100%.
I am missing something though.  I'm not quite sure what it is but I feel so lonely sometimes... lonely for something that I can't put my finger on.  There has been a change over the last few years in my relationships.  I am really missing that one person I can go to for ANYTHING (other than Ian... is that bad?).  It seems like everyone I know is carrying on in their own lives and I'm missing something.  Writing about this puts in out there and I'm not sure I'm comfortable with that.  I don't want to hurt anyone or let my loved ones know that I'm feeling blue but I can't stop thinking about it - feeling sorry for myself.  My poor husband notices my sadness but doesn't know what to do. 
I hope I can turn a corner soon - hoping that things will change and I can move on from this endless feeling of sorrow - I want to feel joyful again.  Over the years I've gone to writing a journal where I list what I'm thankful for.  I need to try it again so here goes:

I Am So Thankful For a.k.a. My Gratitude Journal:
1.  Grace - my oldest child.   She is beautiful, smart and daring.  She shows so much love and creativity.  Her giving spirit is what makes her so loveable!
2.  Alex - my middle and only boy!  He gives me his love unconditionally everyday.  Sometimes having a mommy's boy is a challenge but I am so thankful that I'm one of his favourite people.  He has a great imagination.
3.  Jean - my baby girl.  She has a strong spirit that she showed the moment she was born!  Already she has a sense-of-self that many dream of having.  She also has a beautiful little singing voice.
4.  Ian - I was told a few days ago that when we look similar to our partners it means we are soulmates.  He is definitely mine and we do look like we could be related!  I knew he was mine when we just started dating - I feel the most comfortable with him and never want to be apart.  He supports everything I do and I hope I do the same for him.
5.  My Marriage - I am so thankful for my relationship with Ian.  I grew up in a home where the marriage was very weak... it could have crumbled at any time and eventually did.  I feel that our marriage has weathered a few storms and is still as strong as ever.  We are celebrating 10 years this summer and it feel like it has gone by way too fast. 
6.  My Home... and I try to make it a welcome place for everyone who visits.  It is sometimes a disaster and certainly takes a lot of work to keep up (and a lot of money to maintain) but I am so thankful to belong in it.  I always feel safe here and happy to raise our family here.
7.  Our Health... so far so good.  That is all I'm going to say about that - it could change in an instant.
8.  Extended Family - grandparents, parents, aunts, uncles, sisters, and brothers. 
9.  Friends - Sometimes I feel we have neglected this area of our life.  Our friendships/relationships have changed in the past few years and it has been difficult to maintain good relationships.  Here's hoping for better times soon...
10.  Our business - Sometimes I feel like it has taken over our life... actually it has!  Despite that, it is what sustains us, puts food on the table, clothes on our backs and allows us to live a good life. 

I could go on and on about what I'm thankful for and maybe I should continue this list as time goes by.  Do I feel better after writing this all out?  A little bit.   

Spending Time with the Girls

 This past weekend we had my sister, Carollyn, and her two little girls, Clare and Alison, visit us.  They specificially came up to see Grace dance in her second competition but it was also to spend some great time together.  It was a fabulous weekend FULL of outside fun, relaxation, and a good trip to Gatineau for the dance competition, and sisterly bonding.  The moment they left I missed them like crazy...

Enjoy the pictures.

Winter or Spring on Glenroy Farm

I thought I would share what is happening here on Glenroy Farm.  I noticed that I'm usually writing about the kids, which takes up most of our time, energy and love but our Farm is also our other passion.

This Spring (can I call it that?) or end of winter, was beautiful.  By the middle of March we were outside most of the time enjoying the really warm weather.  We began yard cleanup and even enjoyed a few meals on the porch.  I went to a home improvement store and tried to purchase a slide for our playstructure and it was too early - they don't even stock them until the middle of April.  This unseasonably warm weather spoiled us and now we are in the middle of some very cool temperatures and it just doesn't seem right, even though it is normal for this time of year. 

Ian and Cameron decided not to produce any maple syrup this year due to the warm weather and being able to work a little bit in the fields and getting machinery ready for some nice early spring planting.  The fields are still a bit too wet to plant but the guys will be ready when the time comes.  The biggest challenge right now is staffing for this summer.  The business will be expanding with 4 new Market Stands and finding enough great staff members will be difficult.  Every year it all comes together by the time we open in June but it would be nice to do our hiring right now when we have the time. 

Ian and I have purchased another farm - our first farm that we will own all by ourselves!  Our neighbours approached us in the fall about wanting to sell their farm and we are so grateful that they thought of us.  We spent many afternoons this winter sledding on our new hill - one of the exciting parts of our new farm!  Ian and I want to own a bit more land and this is helping us achieve one of our goals. 

The winter has been full of ups and downs - looking forward to a happy and productive spring! 

My Little Preschooler

 I spend most of my days with our youngest daughter, Jean.  She is an active 3 year old, ready to take on the world!  This photo captures her spirit - thanks Aunt Janie!
It is hard not to compare our kids with one another.  Grace, our oldest, needed a nap every day when she was 3 years old.  I got 3 to 4 hours every day of peace in the afternoon where I could do all the things we need to get done around the house and have a little rest.  I had Grace at 3 years old and Alex as a baby so you would think I would find it challenging but I didn't - as long as I had a break, I was good!  When Alex was 3 years old I had 3 small children to look after - Grace was 5 and in school part time and Jean was a baby.  He gave up his nap early as well but he entertained himself and had a big sister and little sister to play with.  Those days were so busy... I can barely remember them.
Jean, at 3 years old, is a handful.  I often wonder why. 
She gave up her afternoon nap long ago (I don't understand why anyone wouldn't want to nap), she is not very good at playing by herself and she has no one but me to entertain her (and that isn't good enough for her).  She misses Grace and Alex like crazy in the daytime... spends the day wanting to go and get them off the bus. 
The next few months are my last with a child at home with me during school days.  I wanted to take this last year and cherish every day with Jean but in her own way, she is smoothing the transition to having all of our kids in school.  She makes many days very frustrating for me and I find myself looking forward to her being in school and I feel so guilty about that.  She is soooo ready for school.  She loves any type of playschool I put her in and I am thankful for that.  It would be so hard to have a child with separation anxiety. 
So what do I do? 
I am going to try to embrace her personality.  I am going to see the postive in her.  She is lucky she doesn't need as much sleep as the rest of us.  We are lucky that she loves going out and doing activities with or without us.  She will never let anyone "walk all over her" with her strong personality.  I am going to cuddle with her when she lets me and treasure the moments when she is playing with just me.  I am going to engrave in my memory the times when we walk down the laneway together, on our way to the bus, and have our little chats.  I'm going to miss all of it. 

Parting with the Past

Tomorrow is a big day for me.  For most of the women I know, they don't hesitate when it comes to this, but I do.  My husband is the same, actually he is even worse - we like to hang on to things that mean something to us.  I know it is just "stuff" but it has sentimental value - it all represents a special time for our family and it is time to move on, turn a page, move into the next era in our life.

Tomorrow I have rented a table to sell our children's items.  Toys, clothes, books and items we used for our children when they were very young, will be part of this sale.  I have spent the past few weeks collecting "stuff" that I am ready to part with.  The other day I spent time going through every piece of little boy clothing I have... all the little clothes Alex wore.  It was so precious.  I remembered so many pieces and how cute he was as a baby.  When our children were babies it was a special time - so many cuddles, celebrating their little accomplishments, watching them grow so fast. 

Time keeps moving on though and I'm going to move with it.  We are really enjoying these times - watching them turn into little people with thoughts, feelings, opinions, and passions.  Having 3 children was not our plan; we wanted more than that but we also had no idea what it was like to raise children.  It seems now that having our 3 is enough.  Over the past 8 years of being a mommy, I've learned so many new things about myself.  I need to be home and available for my children, hence I resigned from my teaching position a few years ago.  I also know that I don't like to just stay at home with my kids - I need to get out and do things with them and Ian isn't always available to be with us so I can manage 3 children really well.  I am also learning that I yearn for "me" time and that means small segments of time without having to care for the kids but also time to have my own professional goals.  All that being said, my first and most important job is to be there for them and our business allows me to do that.  I am not sure where a fourth baby would fit into my picture, I know it would find a space but I don't think I want it to.  I am looking forward to taking the kids to their activities and playdates without a baby in tow. 

It is time to part with the past and move on - not without a few tears though.  So tomorrow when my table has customers crowding around it and I'm making lots of money (wishful thinking) I can part with our things with a good feeling and let someone else enjoy those items. 

By the way, if I happen to find myself in need of a diaper bag, I will go out a buy a beautiful stylish one!