Have you every felt sorry for yourself? I think we all go through times where we can't seem to find a way out of our thoughts. My thoughts have taken over... maybe I have too much time to think or maybe I'm looking for something I don't have. Maybe I am feeling like my life has become some sort of a routine I go through every day while others seem to find more joy, more excitement, and more happiness. I am happy though. I know I have the life I always wanted - the husband whom I love with all my heart, happy and healthy kids, a great family home and balance. In recent years I've been striving for balance between home, kids and career. I don't have any regrets about my decision to resign from teaching and take on our family and business as my career. I am so thankful for that choice and that Ian supports me 100%.
I am missing something though. I'm not quite sure what it is but I feel so lonely sometimes... lonely for something that I can't put my finger on. There has been a change over the last few years in my relationships. I am really missing that one person I can go to for ANYTHING (other than Ian... is that bad?). It seems like everyone I know is carrying on in their own lives and I'm missing something. Writing about this puts in out there and I'm not sure I'm comfortable with that. I don't want to hurt anyone or let my loved ones know that I'm feeling blue but I can't stop thinking about it - feeling sorry for myself. My poor husband notices my sadness but doesn't know what to do.
I hope I can turn a corner soon - hoping that things will change and I can move on from this endless feeling of sorrow - I want to feel joyful again. Over the years I've gone to writing a journal where I list what I'm thankful for. I need to try it again so here goes:
I Am So Thankful For a.k.a. My Gratitude Journal:
1. Grace - my oldest child. She is beautiful, smart and daring. She shows so much love and creativity. Her giving spirit is what makes her so loveable!
2. Alex - my middle and only boy! He gives me his love unconditionally everyday. Sometimes having a mommy's boy is a challenge but I am so thankful that I'm one of his favourite people. He has a great imagination.
3. Jean - my baby girl. She has a strong spirit that she showed the moment she was born! Already she has a sense-of-self that many dream of having. She also has a beautiful little singing voice.
4. Ian - I was told a few days ago that when we look similar to our partners it means we are soulmates. He is definitely mine and we do look like we could be related! I knew he was mine when we just started dating - I feel the most comfortable with him and never want to be apart. He supports everything I do and I hope I do the same for him.
5. My Marriage - I am so thankful for my relationship with Ian. I grew up in a home where the marriage was very weak... it could have crumbled at any time and eventually did. I feel that our marriage has weathered a few storms and is still as strong as ever. We are celebrating 10 years this summer and it feel like it has gone by way too fast.
6. My Home... and I try to make it a welcome place for everyone who visits. It is sometimes a disaster and certainly takes a lot of work to keep up (and a lot of money to maintain) but I am so thankful to belong in it. I always feel safe here and happy to raise our family here.
7. Our Health... so far so good. That is all I'm going to say about that - it could change in an instant.
8. Extended Family - grandparents, parents, aunts, uncles, sisters, and brothers.
9. Friends - Sometimes I feel we have neglected this area of our life. Our friendships/relationships have changed in the past few years and it has been difficult to maintain good relationships. Here's hoping for better times soon...
10. Our business - Sometimes I feel like it has taken over our life... actually it has! Despite that, it is what sustains us, puts food on the table, clothes on our backs and allows us to live a good life.
I could go on and on about what I'm thankful for and maybe I should continue this list as time goes by. Do I feel better after writing this all out? A little bit.
I know how you feel. Sometimes it's hard when you're a stay-at-home mom. You feel happy and grateful, but that good friendship with another "kindred spirit" (in Anne's words LOL) is missing. I too feel that way. We're grateful we can stay home and raise our children the way we want to but it is hard to maintain or find that best friend outside of our family unit. I hope you feel better soon! Maybe we should get together :) Mason is 3 next week...how old is Jean?
ReplyDeleteThe best part of your comment... you reminded me that I'm not alone. Thanks.
DeleteHi Cindy... thanks for your words. I always loved reading about Anne - one of my all time favourite series. I guess that is what I need. I'm feeling better today for sure!
ReplyDeleteJean was 3 last November. I would love to meet with you sometime.
By the way, that is the most bizaar ad I've seen - the one you posted. What were they thinking?
Hi Deb, I've been toying with the idea of a blog for years, so when yours popped up on my facebook feed I thought I'd check it out. Aside from really enjoying your heartfelt words, I can totally identify with how you are feeling because I have also been doing some soul-searching with regards to the stage of life we find ourselves in. I too have had many friendships fall away, and have been thinking a lot about that lately. Having lost my Dad, who I was extremely close to, in a sudden, unexpected way when he was just 51 changed my life forever. He died of a brain aneurysm and my life perspective was forever changed. The things that I used to "put up with" I just don't anymore. Friends who were never really friends suddenly became obvious to me and I truly realized what mattered in life, and maybe more importantly WHO mattered. That said, sometimes my jaded outlook feels a little harsh and I wonder if I am actually only hurting myelf. But the truth is, my husband, my children, and my familly are what truly matter to me at the end of the day. True friends are hard to come by and maybe at this point in life it seems like a lot of work to "make room" for people in our lives. I don't know, but since you and I are not the only ones feeling this way I'm left to think that it might just have something to do with the stage of life we are in, and not merely about who we are as women, as friends. I am reallly glad to have met you through our girls, and your blog has also reminded me how grateful I am for being able to stay at home with our girls. At the end of my life what has become abundantly clear to me is that I want my children to have as many memories as possible of us doing really fun things together, and truly living it up while we can. It is so sad to imagine not having time left with them that the only way I can think to cope with that thought is by living life hard and having many many memories to look back on - for me that means sometimes not having enough time to maintain friendships. But, since I too feel lonely sometimes - if it isn't weird for you, next time call me when you feel this way and we'll go for drinks! : )
ReplyDeleteHaha, should have said it was me, Susie : )
ReplyDeleteSusie - I'm going to send you a private message via facebook.
Delete